Are you experiencing or promoting toxic positivity in your mind or relationships?

With the stress of the holiday season ahead, and especially during such a time of change, many people may be dealing with higher levels of toxic positivity than usual. When you’re dealing with negative emotions and everyone is constantly telling you to be positive, it can have the opposite effect. It’s no surprise to many of us that examples of toxic positivity seem to be on the rise this holiday and New Year’s season.

I spoke with Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist and presenter Mind Matters with Dr. Micheleto discuss the effects of toxic positivity, what it is and what we can do about it.

What is toxic positivity?

“Toxic positivity generally involves rejecting negative emotions in favor of focusing only on positive ones,” Leno said. If you talk to someone who is having a hard time, but only express positivity in return, leaving your true feelings aside, they are probably suffering from toxic positivity.

We can apply this to ourselves or to each other, and it is often learned as a social trait. For example, you may have heard phrases like “Toughen up; it’s not that bad’ or ‘Just smile and get over it’. These phrases are not always used as toxic positivity; communication can have heavy undertones, but the ideas contained in these phrases strongly represent how toxic positivity can manifest.

In many cases, toxic positivity can also be a form of gaslighting. The American Psychological Association defines “gaslighting” as “manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.” Suppose you are trying to make yourself or another person feel irrational and unreasonable because of negative emotions instead of positive ones. In that case, you may be dealing with both toxic positivity and gaslighting.

“When toxic positivity is used in a relationship, it can be like gaslighting because partners can use it to control and manipulate circumstances,” Leno said.

Brightsiding is a similar phenomenon to toxic positivity, but not always as extreme. They are often used synonymously, but radiance can also express a situation where negative emotions are diminished but not ignored. In contrast, toxic positivity tends to put more pressure to cancel out negative emotions entirely in favor of positive ones. Leno said the two phenomena are very similar: “They discourage real emotion and can cause a feeling of emotional constriction.” They don’t want to deal with your ‘negative’ emotions, so they discourage you from talking about them.

How does positivity become toxic?

It can often be difficult for people to understand the depth of their own emotions. Leno says positivity can become toxic “when it’s used to mask real emotions.” She goes on to emphasize how this can stifle a person and lead to more negativity, not less. “Pretending to be happy when you’re not can leave you feeling overwhelmed and anxious… The internal tension, however, will build until there’s a resolution. How you feel must manifest behaviorally or physically (or both),” she said. is she

Signs of toxic positivity

Toxic positivity is focused on rejecting the negative in favor of the positive, even when it’s unrealistic (especially when it’s unrealistic). As a result, most indications of toxic positivity will reflect this pattern of avoidance and redirection. How these signs are revealed in others in relation to ourselves or our environment, such as the workplace, can vary, but they are all thematically similar. The primary difference becomes who initiates the toxic positivity and who is the target. We can do this to ourselves and each other and get it from our environment (think encouraging posters in the workplace).

Leno listed the following signs of toxicity:

• “Inability to accept one’s feelings as they are.” This is a strong indicator within ourselves that we are applying toxic positivity from within and not allowing our negative emotions.
• “You’re uncomfortable with your emotions.” This is difficult because many emotions are challenging, and many people are uncomfortable with their feelings. However, if this discomfort causes you to trivialize your negative emotions and instead overvalue your positive ones, then you are probably pressuring yourself with toxic positivity.
• “Dismissing another person’s experience because it feels negative.” If a person dismisses your experience just because it’s negative, they’re probably practicing toxic positivity. The idea that your experience should be positive regardless of the possibility of negativity is a strong example of toxic positivity.
• “Accusing a person of being too sensitive or thick-skinned because they’re upset. Implying that a person is inferior or “not strong enough” because of a negative experience or emotion is the ultimate in toxic positivity. The idea is to effectively shame and shun someone for experiencing anything less than positive, which is pretty toxic in itself.

Effects of toxic positivity

Toxic positivity can have a number of effects, mostly negative, ironically enough. According to Leno, people who experience toxic positivity can “feel ignored, inferior, and irrelevant… cause or worsen anxiety and depression. It can reduce our ability to cope as we basically walk around pretending nothing is wrong. Others may see our interactions as fake and facade-like.”

in an individual, this can lead to avoidance of emotional growth and contribute to times of heightened compulsion. No matter how much we avoid our emotions, they will find a way to manifest. Generally, the sooner we start processing them, the better.

in relation toxic positivity can easily contribute to relationship imbalance, gaslighting, and avoidance of engaging in difficult emotional labor together. As a result, the bonds of that relationship may be weaker than usual, and the overall health of the relationship and the individuals may suffer. In the workplace, toxic positivity can increase the burnout rate of workersdemanding a degree of emotional perfection that does not exist.

In any situation, toxic positivity can reduce the functionality and well-being of those involved.

“While encouraging someone to consider the positive aspects of a situation may seem harmless at first, dismissing their current feelings can make them feel more frustrated,” Leno said. “Breathing is a way of emotional processing. We need to feel our feelings and know that they are valid.”

How to deal with toxic positivity

When it comes to dealing with toxic positivity, Leno says, “It’s okay to embrace positivity, but not at the expense of authenticity. First, acknowledge the problem. Second, consider your feelings. Finally, consider possible solutions.” This prescription can help individuals face and process their negative emotions and experiences while striving for positivity, but without dwelling on or denying their difficulties.

Leno said that when faced with toxic positivity, “It’s best to be direct. If someone suggests that you deny your emotions, tell them that it doesn’t work for you. We can also say, ‘I noticed that this is uncomfortable for you, and I’m not going to talk to you about it.'” The trick here involves maintaining enough space for yourself while allowing space for others. Basically, you have a right to your feelings and so do they, but neither of you has the right to dictate the feelings of others. The line between police actions and emotions is often tricky, but should be visible with effort.

If your experience of toxic positivity becomes severe enough, you may want to talk to a mental health professional. Leno told me that signs of reaching this point “include high anxiety, sadness, fatigue, avoidance, inability to cope with even mild stress or change, and difficulty being around others because they are not ‘happy’ enough…”

Alternatives to toxic positivity

Since toxic positivity is so obvious to avoid, we should consider some alternative approaches to our emotions that can foster healthier outcomes. This will involve intentionally experiencing and processing our negative feelings and experiences. It will also focus on moving towards the positive. However, the distinction between healthy and open pursuit of positive versus toxic positivity is critical. That difference lies mainly in whether one faces and processes the negative on the way to the positive or tries to suppress and ignore the negative in favor of the positive.

Feel your emotions, good or bad

“Allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, good or bad, is healthier than trying to suppress them,” Leno said. The idea is that no matter what we go through and what we experience, we must acknowledge it and work through it. When we ignore or suppress our feelings, they don’t really go anywhere. They still affect us on several levels, but we become less able to notice them because we have internally declared that these feelings do not exist.

You may have noticed that when you decide to be a certain way emotionally, it doesn’t go smoothly. We do not get immediate and direct control over our emotions. in many ways, emotions are internal processes that happen to us and these are things to be experienced, not dictated.

However, we can distort our experiences in the long run by doing healthy emotional labor. When we face our experiences and process them, we maintain a healthier emotional foundation with less negative accumulation and less pressure on ourselves. This creates an internal environment that is more conducive to positive experiences. In short, allowing yourself to honestly experience your negative emotions can result in you having more authentically positive feelings in the long run.

While there are several ways people talk about a healthy relationship with their emotions as a healthier alternative to toxic positivity, they all boil down to the same basic idea: feel your emotions, good or bad. Some approaches, such as therapy or meditationthey may have unique structures to help individuals achieve these goals, but all healthy alternatives to toxic positivity share the same focus.

The bottom line

Toxic positivity is when a person focuses on the positive while avoiding the negative to the point that negative experiences can be considered a violation. We can apply toxic positivity to ourselves and each other, and even instill it in our social environment.

The fundamental problem with toxic positivity is that it focuses on avoiding a wide range of real emotions in favor of denying, repressing, and embracing inauthentic positivity. The long-term consequences of this can be damaging to individuals, relationships and groups on many levels. A healthier alternative to toxic positivity involves experiencing our feelings, good or bad, and allowing ourselves to see and process them authentically.